Desires of My Soul

I just need to write out some of the ideas in my head that need to become more than just a want, but rather have the desires of my heart and soul become a reality.  I know that I cannot do these things on my own and by my own strength but truly only with God.  I have had a difficult time in surrendering my will to Him hoping that in some way, all my desires could become my reality without surrendering.  This isn’t possible.  I know that to be a truth.

Things I would like to see happen in my life:

• I desire become physically healthy.  In reality, I have struggled my entire life with my weight and have never truly had a healthy body.  As I’m aging, I find myself struggling more and more with this.  My head with tell my brain that I need to eat the fruits, vegetables, etc. but then I start to eat because my emotions are stirring inside of me.  Thus, what starts out as a great thought to take care of myself in a positive way, tends to end up with me eating all the wrong foods and not truly honoring my body and God in the way He intended for me to eat.
• I desire to become a more forgiving soul.  It’s not that I don’t try but I have been abused severely in the past and I tend to nit pick on things that shouldn’t really matter.  It goes back to me trying to control what I possibly can and then try to control those things I can’t.  The most important person I need to forgive is me.  Again, I need to surrender to my Father who is the only one that can heal the deep scars I carry.
• I desire to get my home in order again.  I’m struggling with this because once my home is out of order in my mind, I have a tendency to give up and not do what needs to be done.  I do have very high expectations to keep my home “perfect” although logically I know it isn’t ever going to be.  I just want it deep cleaned again.  Our lives have been busy and we have had extra family members in our home for awhile including our precious 2 year old granddaughter.  I need to stop procrastinating and just do it.
• I desire to draw closer to God.  I want to say this is my strongest pull but in honesty, it’s not.  I need God to draw me closer to Him so this does become my strongest desire.  I so need Him.  I so need to surrender my soul to my Father.  Oh Lord, I pray for your Heart, for Your Desires.  I pray I will find and seek quiet time with you on a daily basis.  Help me Lord.

I know I have more desires but these are my top ones.  I pray for my hearts desires to become my reality.

Economic State and Unemployment

I am so frustrated with the economy in the state of California.  Where I live, unemployment is 20% and one of those is my husband.  He does data analysis work and has a solid resume, applies many places on a daily basis and has only got one interview in 6 months.  The competition on that one was so high because others are in the same position he is and it is so extremely frustrated that he can’t a job as a skilled, experienced employee.  My son got a job out-of-state in Oklahoma and there is only a 4% unemployment rate where he is at.  I am so grateful he will be able to provide for his family but his wife and daughter are here for at least another month while they save funds for the move. 

My emotions are all over the place sometimes because I feel like I am the one that is carrying more of the financial burden which truly is a reality since I do have a job and I’m very grateful for it.  It doesn’t mean however, that I don’t feel stressed that the majority of the income comes from me and the rest is from unemployment from my husband.  We have sole custody of my husband’s son and his mom quit her job over a year ago so she wouldn’t have to pay child support although that is coming back to bite her and I know that is in the legal system which in the end resolves itself. 

I’ve never even considered quitting my job after working 23 years in education in California knowing my retirement is invested in it but in reality if my husband can’t find a job in the next year or so, I honestly would be ready to pack up and move out of this state.  In the past, that would have been a scary situation but I guess it’s with disgust that I realize how bad the economy is not only for my family but so many around me.  I am the HR person for the district and it so breaks my heart to see so many very qualified applicants not able to even get an interview because we are so overwhelmed with the number and the cream of the cream best applying for any openings we might have.

When will this end?  I seriously doubt it will even in the next five years.  I honestly pray I am wrong.  Today, I just can only hope and pray for our future and that of everyone around.

He Will Carry You

I heard this song sang on Saturday and I just cried…

“He will Carry You”

There is no problem too big God cannot solve it

There is no mountain too tall He cannot move it

And there is no storm too dark God cannot calm it

There is no sorrow too deep He cannot soothe it

 

And if He carried the weight of the world upon His  shoulders

I know my brother that He will carry you

And if He carried the weight of the world upon His  shoulders

I know my sister that He will carry you

He said “Come unto Me all who are weary and I will give you  rest”

Lyrics provided by http://www.kovideo.net/

Source  – http://www.kovideo.net/he-will-carry-you-lyrics-lynda-randle-503161.html

 

There is no problem too big God cannot solve it

There is no mountain too tall He cannot move it

And there is no storm too dark God cannot calm it

There is no sorrow too deep He cannot soothe it

 

And if He carried the weight of the world upon His  shoulders

I know my brother that He will carry you

And if He carried the weight of the world upon His  shoulders

I know my sister that He will carry you

 

I know my brother and I know my sister

That He He’s going to carry you

Oh yes He will

He’s going to carry you

 

Expectations

I want to not think about what I expect…from me and from others.  I am a natural “organizer” and I want my life to be organized in all aspects of my life.  My home to be organized.  My work place to be organized.  My mind to be organized but instead it seems chaotic. 

I had a lot of expections put on me as a child and I never was able to be “perfect” as I thought I was supposed to be.  This in time led me to wanting to just give up and walk away.  Something I think about a lot lately.  I can’t meet my expectations of myself nor can I even understand them.  I expect my husband to keep the house clean and our meals prepared each day since he is unemployed.  I expect us to stay on budget and I expect my life to not be as hard as it has become. 

I don’t get it.  I really don’t get my emotions sometimes.  I want to communicate with my husband but when I do everything comes across to him as anger and that’s not my intention.  I am very frustrated that he has been unable to find a job and I wholeheartedly know he has been trying.  I get frustrated that the State of California has so many people unemployed and if it wasn’t for my job I would be out of this state in a heart beat.  I’m frustrated that my step-son’s mom seems to think it’s ok not to WANT to work or even think she should be financially responsible for his care.  Instead, she thinks my husbands partner (ME) should bear her responsibility financially. 

My husband doesn’t seem to grasp the pressure I’m under to financially provide for us and money seems to be spent faster than it is coming in.  It really has and some is from going on a quick weekend trip to helping our children make the rent or truck payment due to their layoffs.  I am disgusted with the economy and I literally want to scream.  I am an HR person and see daily how many good, qualified people are unemployed and not able to get a job.  Seriously?  Why is our economy so bad?  It doesn’t make sense.  My expectations is that a person that is hard working, dedicated and skilled should have a stable job and be able to provide for the family.  Not so in our current economic state. 

I don’t trust right now either.  I want to be able to express my emotions but nothing comes out productively.  I feel like keeping my mouth sealed shut because then I won’t be saying the wrong thing and once again putting my foot into my mouth.  How do I get through this I ask?  I want to have faith like I used to and it’s sad to say my heart isn’t where my mind (and the Lord) says I should be.  I feel physically sick. 

Years ago, I was raped at the age of 16. By 17, I attempted suicide because of the pain I felt and the secret I kept inside of me.  By the time I was 18, I married someone that would eventually physically, sexually and emotionally wear me down and abuse me.  As a coping mechanism, I wore a “mask” because the anger and pain inside was so much to bear and I became afraid to share the real me.  I feel afraid right now and I feel like I’m again going to crumble.  I truly don’t want to be physically touched and it has nothing to do with my husband.  It has to do with me because when I’m in pain emotionally I want to shut down physically, emotionally and sexually as a way to protect my core being.  This may sound confusing but it’s the only way I can explain it.  How do I get over this?  Today I don’t have the answer but I am praying.  That’s the only thing I have control over right now because I feel overwhelmed, helpless and broken. 

 

Walking by Faith, Not by Sight

I’m not sure about you but I want to have a very clear picture of my life.  I want to be able to have my life organized and everything to fall into place just as I plan.  I tell ya, God must really be up there laughing at me so much of the time.  It reminds me of when Averie, my precious almost 2 year old granddaughter throws herself on the floor because she was told she couldn’t have something she wanted.  As an adult, I think “oh my goodness child, if you got your way every time you did that, you would be a spoiled brat and in the end, your life would be a disaster.”  Ok, well, ummm, my Father must really be thinking the same thing about me because I don’t “deserve” his grace and mercy and I’m certainly not entitled to all my desired in life.

I need to confess that I’ve truly been struggling with walking by faith.  I want to see where I am going so I can go around the pitfalls in life and not get any scrapes and bruises.  I want to see only the good that God has for me and not the lessons he has me walking through in order to be grow and be more like Him.  In honesty, since my husband, Tim, has been laid off I’ve only had moments of contentment with my life.  Only when I have hope that he was going to get the job he interviewed for have I felt like everything was going to truly be ok again. 

There is a saying, “when mama ain’t happy, noooobody’s happy”.  <sigh>  Yes <sigh> because mama ain’t been happy and it’s come out around the edges and a couple of times just the top has completely blown to my dismay.  I don’t want to be there and my heart aches for my family when I’m at that place.  I especially regret it because my Tim has truly been surrendering to the Lord and meditates daily on His Word and encourages me to do the same.  He doesn’t like the negative I’ve been bringing to our home and my anger at God that things aren’t going my way.  I understand and I feel sad that I’ve felt anger to my Father that loves me so very much that He died on the cross for me.  Who am I?  I am his child!    Yes, that two year old child inside of me wants to understand where God is leading me but I simply don’t.  Today, I need to trust Him walking by faith and not by sight.

His Plan Not Mine!

My name is Marilyn and I’m first the daughter of our Heavenly Father.  I’m also a wife, mom and blessed to also be nana to a very special granddaughter that is almost 2!  Although she really has began the “no” 2-year old stage in life.  I feel like I’m the two year old throwing the tantrum because so many things aren’t going as I planned.  My plan is to be able to hav everything go my way with no bumps in the road.  Well, the road has been very bumpy in the past year and it seems that I’m getting in my own way.

I’m ashamed to say but I’m feeling very angry and even angry with God and I know that is not a good place for me to be.  I so need prayer.  My husband has been laid off, we have lost our house, my oldest son is having to relocate out of state to have a job since his layoff, and I could go on and on about the burdens I’m carrying right now.  Please don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for my job, I really am.  I have fears, fears that we won’t be able to have medical coverage after November because we financially can’t afford it any longer after my husband’s previous employer stops paying their portion.  I’m not going to get to see my son, his wife and granddaughter on a regular basis that I do now and I don’t know when I can afford to even fly to visit because of our financial state.

I feel overwhelmed, sad and confused.  I really am not understanding the plan that our Father has for me and us.  He tells me He knows the plan for my life, plans to give me hope and a future but I’m honestly confused and lost right now.  I want so much to understand the plan and yet I can’t seem to even grasp that He loves me and does have that plan.  I know He does in my head but my heart is hurting and blocking the acknowlegment of how powerful and awesome my Father truly is.  Lord, I so need to feel your presence.  To be able to surrender my life to you again.  To be able to face my life in a positive way and not wear the mask that I’m so good at wearing for others.  Well, until the mask starts to crumble and the anger starts slipping out around the edges.  Then I bite…snap…critcize others because I’m hurting inside.  Whoa!  Not a good thing at all.  Where is the peace that God gives when I surrender…oh yeah…I must surrender first.

God, I’m YOUR child.  Broken, crumbled and hurting.  I pray for you to lift me and carry me through today.  “Bless the Lord, oh my soul…worship your Holy Name!”